The Battle

I remember when I was younger...  the answers always came easier.

The decision of where I was going to go to college, came suddenly. I acted and I went to USU and had the best college experience I could ever dream possible.

I remember the pressure of people telling me I needed to choose a major.  I didn't put that much thought into it.  I liked health, but I did NOT want to teach in a public school system, so Community Health Education it was.  I made the decision without a lot of thought.  And just went for it, and graduated with my bachelor's degree, without the slightest idea what I was going to do with it.

It was during that time the answer suddenly came that I needed to serve a mission.  I didn't hesitate.  I finished my current semester of school, bought my mission clothes at the DI, filled out my papers and 4 months later flew into Pittsburgh, PA!

The decision came to move to Salt Lake when I couldn't pass a class at USU, and need to take it through Salt Lake Community college.  I knew I was supposed to live with my Aunt in Riverton and there met some of the best friends I would ever make in my life.

It seemed that I knew what I was doing, life was coming together for me and everything seemed to be on track.  I got a job I loved and eventually felt impressed to get a master's degree simultaneously.  I got the degree practically for free as I had 1/2 tuition benefit and scholarships. Left the University of Utah in a blaze of glory...

And now, I feel I am completely lost.

The answers aren't coming suddenly.  I don't know what Heavenly Father is doing with my life.  I feel lost and unsure about a lot of things.

My battle is constant and daily.  My battle comes mainly in the form of prayer.

I read a quote recently from Patricia Holland that has made a big impact on me:

"If we are to search for real light and eternal certainties  we have to pray as the ancients prayed.  We are women now, not children, and we are expected to pray with maturity.  The words most often used to describe urgent, prayerful labor are wrestle, plead, cry and hunger.  In some sense, prayer may be the hardest work we ever will engage in, and perhaps it should be."

What does a single girl, that has no job and no family nearby and who lives alone do with her time?  Well, often you will find me kneeling at the edge of my bed in prayer.

My prayers are not simple.  They are often said out loud.  And you will often hear the words: "Why? Please! Help?"  In desperate tones.  My pain comes out in my prayers, if no where else.  It is here that I beg for understanding.  Beg for forgiveness and to be able to forgive.  I ask for guidance.  In worry and frustration, I will often drop to my knees several times during the day.

I don't want to feel that God has forsaken me.  I don't want to feel that He has forgotten me.  And sometimes there is only one place that I can go to that those feelings don't haunt me.

That place is on my knees.

Sometimes the answers come in the form of changes in me, soft voices or subtle thoughts that tell me that I will be guided in each decision, and black and white answers in the scriptures.....some answers have yet to come.

I guess I am sharing this because people will often comment to me that with my brightness and cheerfulness, they would never guess that I am struggling.  And I can tell you that gift and any ability to face my heavy trials in my life come from those pleading moments on my knees.  It is the primary source for gathering the strength I need.

So yes, the answers don't seem to come as easy as they used to.  Or else I am demanding more of myself and in turn asking more of God.

I don't yet know the end of my own story and when this prolonged process is going to have a happy ending.  All I know is that I am learning and growing... and I truly believe in my heart that things are as they should be.